OK...If you thought me fucking my fat, bald neighbor was bad, this is 10 times worse.  I got really drunk at a pool party last week and wound up stripping down to shiny white elastic "Playtex" bikini underpants trimmed with frilly lace ruffles then tried to go for a swim.

     I jumped in the pool and immediately sank to the bottom, too drunk to swim.  All I remember is some teenage boy in a red speedo pulling me from the pool and pumping the water out of my lungs then forcing about ten mouth-to-mouth rescue breaths into my mouth and down my windpipe.

     I wasn't wearing a bra so my pierced nipples were on display along with my artificially inflated boobs, which were still impressively pumped-up by the experimental "instant boob job" pill I took earlier in the evening. 

     Some fat teenage girl pointed out my triple-pierced navel and the "Dickbender" tattoo curving across my lower abdomen to the huge crowd of bystanders.  "She must be a fucking hooker!" she added, staring down at my lifeless, panty-clad body.

     "EEEwwwww...Gross! She's wearing a maxi-pad, look!" observes another girl in the crowd.  "Yeah...You can see the bulge in her panty-crotch!" agrees another.

     By that time, my stomach was full of air from the young stud's rescue efforts so he pressed on my abdomen until I let out a loud, wet "UUUUUUuuuurrrrrpppp!" then started breathing on my own.

     The worst part of it is that like 10 people videotaped the entire resuscitation and now it's posted all over the internet.  It turns out that my rescuer was only like 12 years old to boot.  God, I'm so fucked!